Being Fat & Dating Fat with Artelunamiami - PINNED Podcast: Episode 45

This week we get down and personal with my personal story about dating as a fat girl. Join me and Vivian from Artelunamiami  as we discuss and answer all your questions on dating and being fat.

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About  Vivian

Cuban-American artist Vivian Estalella was born and raised in Miami, Florida in a family of strong independent women. As a little girl, she never played with dolls or toys. Instead, she preferred to spend her time coloring. She was always happier with a box of crayons or paints than a Barbie doll. Always creative, she enjoyed the arts from a very young age. At the age of 15, a trip to Mexico awakened her passion for painting. The intensely rich colors of Mexican art struck a cord and, together with her Cuban roots, formed a style that is both distinctive and uniquely vibrant. The sights, sounds, exotic tastes, and passionate people of the tropics, along with the sensuous female form, are all prevalent in her work

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Transcript

Miss Pinup Miami: 0:04

Good day and welcome back to the pin podcast. One, Episode Number 45. Oh, I can't believe it. And here at the pin podcast, we talk about modern topics with a vintage flair. And if it is your first time listening to us, I want to give you a big thank you and I hope you stick around. And if you're a returning listener, whoo, you already know that I love you guys. With all my heart with my heart. If you haven't followed us on Instagram, make sure to hit up the pin podcast official. You could also hit up mine at Pinup Miami, and feel free to send us a text at 183348 pin up those messages go directly to me, so I'll be able to answer any questions. If you have any suggestions, any questions for our guests, feel free to send them on over on over. Before we get started with today's episode I wanted to give a big thank you. To everyone that supported me this weekend. I had Friday night the radio rock and roll concert down in gaja. ocho, it was a great success. And Saturday, I was able to go to the first meetup for pin Tampa. You guys met the girls in last week's episode. It was an amazing turnout amazing atmosphere. It's what it's what I imagined the penta meetups to be all about. And it was amazing. I met new faces saw old faces. I can't wait for the next one. Maybe some of those ladies will come down to South Florida for the pin to South Florida meetup. But that was really good. And then on Sunday, I always forget to mention but on Sunday, you could catch me live on the rockabilly cue Facebook page or on my YouTube channel. I do a class it could be from hair to a craft to make up anything. rockabilly, you know, any suggestions there? reach out to me I can teach you anything that I can. Except I'm not separate. Except like maybe

Unknown: 2:10

tattoo makeup.

Vivian: 2:13

I think you probably figure that out.

Miss Pinup Miami: 2:17

You're trying to find something in my head. Well, as you heard our commentary today is a returning returning guests. We have Vivian from out of the Luna Miami. Yes, we're here to continue the conversation from two weeks ago about being fat. I don't know how else to put it.

Vivian: 2:43

Hey, it's part of who we are. Right.

Miss Pinup Miami: 2:47

You get to own it and loving your body. Like we said, it's about body positivity. You know, and we had a couple of questions that were brought up from the last episode that we're gonna bring up here. Are you red tea, Vivian.

Vivian: 3:02

I'm ready. I got my coffee. So I'm ready to go.

Miss Pinup Miami: 3:05

And I have my my boba tea. I've been obsessed with boba tea without the boba. Um, I just milk tea milk tea to be specific. But let's start with the first question. And these are all gonna revolve around plus size dating. So for the most part, today's episode is gonna be amazing, because you have Vivian that's dating, you know that she's in the dating scene. And then you have me I've been in the dating scene for a long time, but I have been taken in the last two years have taken. So we have

Unknown: 3:43

to take you.

Miss Pinup Miami: 3:45

He took my heart. So you have two experiences. And hopefully somebody people that sent in questions and you guys listening out there? learn something new. And if not, let's keep the conversation going, you know, keep texting me. comment on the video. Let us know. So the first question is, does your body become a sexual fetish? As a plus size woman we're diving

Vivian: 4:16

right in there we

Unknown: 4:19

are diving right in there. Okay,

Vivian: 4:23

there are there's a lot of talk about plus size women or BB W's or whatever you want to call them being fetishize. And I said this a little bit in the previous episode. I don't have a problem with it. If you want to, you know, look at me and be like, wow, you know, this plus eyed lady and you know, get all excited about it. I have no problem with that. If you find me beautiful, that's fine. You know, that's just one of the aspects of me. I'm not just a fat woman. There's a lot more to me than that. But um, I mean, I really don't have a problem with that. I do have have friends who state steer clear from that or they try as soon as they kind of like get the wave but it's like a fetish thing. They're like out the door. That's me. Um That's just I don't have an issue with it. At the same time i don't i don't think that I've ever dated someone who had a plus i Spanish like they were with me just because I was plus one. So that might be why I have a different perspective on it. But I don't have an issue with it.

Miss Pinup Miami: 5:28

Yeah, my perspective is to go the other way. Like when I used to all like day and you meet like somebody for the first time, I one time had this experience that I met this guy at this really nice restaurant here in like somewhere for Lauderdale. And the whole time he was really quiet and my mentality when I was online dating is to be like, honest about myself, because I was over just doing the little Frou Frou dating thing. So I put all my weird stuff out there and if they liked it, you know, now weird like kinky stuff, just like, you know, I was an embalmer, all these weird things.

Unknown: 6:05

But um,

Miss Pinup Miami: 6:07

but this guy in particular, he was super quiet, and I didn't understand it. And then we walked me to my car, he just confessed to me that like, he was really into, like, porn and into like, big women. And he just wanted to use me for like his kink. And it was like, I was like, a little too much for me, because I was like, I could see that he didn't want to date. So when I hear that question, I think about men that are just looking for, like that. fetishizing because it's happened to me many times, I guess, is the way I dress or my hair. I'm pretty sure all the girls out there that dress a certain way that's different than the norm. guys think, Oh, she must be kinky because he's out there. Yeah. Well, I

Vivian: 6:52

mean, like I said, I haven't had an experience like that. So maybe that's why I see it differently. I guess if it's somebody that wants you just for that fantasy, and that's it, then, of course, that's not something that I would be like, yes, let's jump into that. But, um, you know, it's just, you know, like, I don't know. Like, for example, I love Tom and it's just a preference that I have, I think a lot of girls have it. Have I dated someone exclusively, you know, tall or for being taught? No, actually, like, I haven't been, but, um, but I don't see it as a fetish. So I get, I don't know. Depends on how far they take it or how they treat you because treatments very important. You know,

Miss Pinup Miami: 7:39

so and what you're willing to and what you're looking forward to because I mean, if somebody for in the situation I was in if somebody was just looking for somebody to have, like, fun with and I guess that would be okay, but I was looking for the opposite thing that this gentleman was looking for. Yeah, this second question. I have it Well, that was sent in was, do people automatically think you put out because you're fat?

Vivian: 8:09

Um, again, I haven't had that experience.

Miss Pinup Miami: 8:16

Okay, um,

Vivian: 8:17

I've often been told that I'm unapproachable. Oh, kind of give off that like standoffish vibe. And the resting bitchface people? Yeah, I do have a resting bitchface I really don't

Miss Pinup Miami: 8:29

see it though. Maybe it's because I make you smile. But

Vivian: 8:32

that could be but I'm not daily. I do have a resting bitchface Um, so I guess, you know, guys that approached me or that. You know, I dated in the past, it's, it's a different experience. By the time we get to that point, we've already had conversation, we kind of got to know each other a little bit. So I haven't had that kind of thing where just because I'm overweight, I'm going to put out you know,

Miss Pinup Miami: 9:03

I've had this experience. I my sister and her friends always went out clubbing and stuff, so I would always join them and, and I was always the chubbiest one in the group. And I felt like the guy that didn't get the other people's attention. You know, like, there was a guy at the club and let's say my, one of the girls got rejected from him, and then another girl got rejected, and then they've come up to me and I'll never forget it. One guy said, Oh, well, there's nobody that would want you so like, let me buy you while it happened. It happened. It was terrible. It happened at Blue Martini if you're from South Florida.

Vivian: 9:43

Terrible.

Miss Pinup Miami: 9:45

And I also you know, I feel like that's really a thing. There's this beautiful I won't say beautiful, but there's this movie that I really love. It's not beautiful guys. It's just I guess I love the message behind it is called Brittany runs a marathon. Have you ever seen it? No, I have it. Oh, it's because one day I want to run a marathon. So I saw this movie thinking, a motivate me to run a marathon. But this movie is about this girl, that she's a plus size. Well, they call her a plus sized girl, she's not as big, I would say, Well as you and I, um, but she's like the fat friend. And like, she thinks that she has to give men blow jobs in order for them to even pay attention to her. This is not the main topic of a movie, but it was like a subtle message in there that I felt like, Oh, my God, does she feel like she has to put out just because she's fat, you know, until she started running and feeling good about herself that she knew that she didn't have to feel that low about herself that she had to please a man like there was men going up to her in this movie, like at a bar to tell her the bathroom to like,

Unknown: 10:54

you know, get it on?

Miss Pinup Miami: 10:57

No, not get it on just get oral sex. Like they didn't even want sex. It just wanted to use her oral, oral, geez, you know, that's not a word. But go oral on them. Well, but

Vivian: 11:09

you mentioned on important point, you said that she had like low self esteem. And that could be like, Is it just because she was overweight? Or is it because you kind of you can kind of get that vibe when you see someone that they have low self esteem, or they kind of look down on themselves. That could be a combination.

Miss Pinup Miami: 11:26

When this movie it was because she was overweight, because when she started running and feeling healthier and being better. She was never she was never skinny in the movie. Like she didn't go from being fat skinny, it was more like being like fat to feeling good, like a comfy weight. You know? I really like it. I recommend it to anybody. I don't amazon prime.

Vivian: 11:51

Okay, well check it out.

Miss Pinup Miami: 11:53

Third question, can picking out an outfit be a nightmare when you're going on a date?

Vivian: 12:00

Yes. But it might not be for the reason that you think it is? Oh, let

Miss Pinup Miami: 12:05

me hear your reason.

Vivian: 12:08

Well, I can be a little much as you can tell. So when I'm going to go on a on a, especially a first date, because once I get to know me, then I don't care. But I'm especially on a first date, I like to tone it down a little bit. So instead of my flowers being this big, it might be a little smaller, or I might wear a headband or something like that. Because I feel like I kind of could intimidate people. But I honestly don't think about it in terms of the of my weight. You know, I guess I've learned to accept myself and I'm okay with it. You know, of course, sometimes, you know, I'll go into my closet. And if I've gained a little bit of weight, things are feeling tight, you get frustrated, but I think it can happen at any size, not just because I'm plus size. Um, so that's why I think it could be a nightmare. But

Miss Pinup Miami: 13:06

for me, I can't really talk today. Well, we're giving both sides, it's always have good to have like different opinions. And, you know, people had these questions. So we were trying to put out what we know in the world to help somebody.

Vivian: 13:21

Here's the thing, and I feel like every time you've had me on, I always say how old I am a bully four years old. But, um, the reason why we say it is because every kind of phase of my life I've had like different feelings or different issues. So when I was younger, that might have been a bigger issue for me, where, you know, I hadn't fully embraced myself and I was more embarrassed about my way or I felt, you know, maybe, I don't know, like the odd man out. But now I honestly and I say there's 100% of what I like to be thinner. Yes, I'm not gonna lie to you and say no, but um, I'm okay with it. I you know, I have a jam packed closet. As you know, Jennifer, because I love fashion and I love clothing. Um, so I mean, some people say that it's really hard to find clothing at a larger size. I don't I don't have a problem. I love vintage styles. So forget, you know, true vintage is very difficult on my size, but there's a ton of reproduction designers. Lots of stuff on the internet, I buy most of my clothes online, and I don't really have an issue finding you know, different outfits or the styles that I like to wear like things that are maybe a little bit eccentric or a little fashion forward sometimes. Um, so in that sense, I don't have an issue with it. And again, I've come to embrace all that is me and you know, I love you know away things that are off, you know, off the shoulder and showing a little skin here and there. tattoos are. So my tattoos here. Um, so I don't I don't find that as nerve racking as, as I did maybe in my 20s. I know that when I was in my 20s it was a little bit more nerve wracking, and I would get more nervous about it and stress out and it's like, you know, I work girdles for most of my life. I don't anymore because really how much of this is going to be hidden by a girdle? Not much. But when I was younger, because that's what I grew up hearing, you know, you have to wear the father and the father's gonna make you look thinner. And it's like, really how much thinner that I will look wearing it so. So in that sense, I don't I don't freak out about what I'm gonna wear on a date or something like that. I just kind of like to tone it down a little bit when I first meet someone and take it

Miss Pinup Miami: 15:47

the opposite in two ways. I don't tone it down.

Vivian: 15:51

I mean, I love I love that about it too. I need to embrace. I can't embrace it as well.

Miss Pinup Miami: 15:58

Think about it, I can't turn down the yellow. So I might as well not turn down anything else. And, and I'm the opposite. I do get body Conscious Dating people depending on the situation. But I'm always always I was always body conscious. Even with my boyfriend. When I met my my boyfriend. He was a swing dance. Well, he's a see swing dances. And that means that he has to touch me and he was smaller than me. So in my head, it's always like, Oh, what is it going to touch? Or like sometimes when I wear a corset on like, he's gonna know that I'm wearing a corset like, I mean, now I'm okay with it, because he knows me. And it's just what I I felt I felt like he was just touching everything. Because you know, when you're dance, you like touching, you know, your hips to your belly, because he would do this move. And I'll never forget. And I used to tell him that I did well, now I tell him I didn't like it in the beginning, was that he would like put his hands over to flip me, but then I'll be facing him. And then he pushes me on my stomach. And it was like, ah, like I I didn't like it because I thought it's not that I didn't like the move like now we do it all the time. But at least in the beginning, I was like oh my God, this guy's touching me like it was just like, it was just weird. And then I would get self conscious because then I'll see all the other girls because the swing dancing community or any dancing community that you're a part of like everyone dances with each other because they love dancing. And I something I couldn't comprehend. So much on getting after code, hopefully soon. But um, but everyone dances with each other, like no matter what, even the men dance with the men, even the manliest men dance with men like that's how much they love dancing, right? And I would get self conscious because everyone else was thinner. So he's dancing with these girls so beautifully that are thinner. That I feel it was the first time Well, I've always had this like, body consciousness when I went on dates like, oh, what do I sit next to him and my thighs touch him like, you know, or my you know, I wear a petticoat on top of it. Like, it's always gonna be poofy no matter what. Or we do an activity. Like when me and Tim, my boyfriend went to the Everglades. I was like, Oof, I have to wear like, something different because we're gonna be on our boat. And then I'm like, What is like the boat? These are all thoughts in my head. And I'm sure some of you ladies out there have felt like, Oh, I'm gonna go on this expedition. But what if the boat like goes like this? Because I'm sitting on it, you know? But these are things that we just have to realize that like, it's not, it's just in our heads.

Vivian: 18:33

Why totally okay. When I said that I have any issues, getting dressed and finding things to wear is one thing. But you touched on something, I'm like, I was dating this guy who loves to put his hands on my belly. And he would just like, like people do to pregnant women, and they just kind of rub their belly. And that would make me feel self conscious. Because even though I'm okay with all of this, and I don't have an issue, you know, taking it off, either. But, um, like the rubbing of a belly if I was kind of weird. You know, like, that just made me feel a little self conscious. Like, yes, I know, the belly is there, do we need to touch it? You know, so that Yeah. And I also had on one on one of my first dates, I'm coincidentally the same person. I'm wanting to go to the beach. And again, I'm not self conscious in the sense like, I'll go to the beach and stuff. But like on a first date, that's like a little much, you know, like, I don't want to be in a bathing suit in front of someone on a first date. So things like that do make me feel self conscious. Like you know,

Miss Pinup Miami: 19:39

like I feel subconscious wearing a bathing suit in front of my family.

Vivian: 19:45

I don't have an issue with that or like my friends I'm okay with that.

Miss Pinup Miami: 19:48

I've mentioned on my podcast before about my family and, and I was that girl that my mom would make fun of me because I'd wear like shirts to the beats like I'm sure some of us have worn well I have worn You know, when you wear your bathing suit, you wear a T shirt, one of those long t shirts just because you're still

Vivian: 20:06

a kid. Yeah, right. Well,

Miss Pinup Miami: 20:07

I did that until way into us.

Vivian: 20:12

And so now look at me

Miss Pinup Miami: 20:13

through a five day I wore like, a bathing suit I made with my leg showing, you know?

Vivian: 20:19

Oh, absolutely. Can you

Miss Pinup Miami: 20:23

two piece for a fashion show? So we're more moving on?

Vivian: 20:27

Yes. Wait, do you get to your 40s we're gonna see you in

Miss Pinup Miami: 20:35

the next question. People think do people think you don't have standards? I guess thinking like, if you're fat, you know, you don't have any standard. We just touched upon that in the first question.

Vivian: 20:48

Yes, um, one of the things that I've always like encountered is people assume that because I'm big. I'm gonna date a guy that's like me, or in my case, a guy. Um, and I'm not shaming anyone, because I don't want to be shamed. You know, and I would never do that to someone, but it comes down to preference. And I've never dated a big guy. That's just not my preference. And do I see anything wrong with no, absolutely not, I think everyone deserves love, but it's just a preference thing. Just like, you know, a guy might be swiping on, you know, whatever app and they're just not interested in somebody with brown hair, or blonde hair or something else. Am I 100%? opposed to it? No. But it's just, I just haven't dated anyone like that. It just hasn't happened. And people like throughout the years have always assumed, like, you're a big girl, you need to date a big guy. And it's like, well, maybe maybe that's not what I meant to, you know, maybe I personally different. You know, so that's what in terms of standards than also the whole, like, how people say, Well, you know, What, are you what, 10? Are you an eight? Are you a 72? Whatever it is? And it's like, you can't go after, like the heart good looking guy, you know, because you're a fat girl. Why not? Why not?

Miss Pinup Miami: 22:08

I used to get, I used to get people that'd be like, Oh, how can this person love you if like, you're fat, and they have muscles.

Unknown: 22:19

Exactly like what it's about.

Miss Pinup Miami: 22:22

force him, he just loves it.

Vivian: 22:25

And honestly, 100% and the older I get, the more I realized that this is true. I've heard this my whole life looks are not everything. And they really aren't. It's what draws you in initially, but it doesn't keep you you know, if you don't have a good personality or something in common, or you don't have chemistry, it doesn't matter how hard that guy is or how beautiful you are, it's not gonna there's not going to be much left, you know, after the initial kind of lust is gone, you know. So that that has a lot to do with it as well. The next question is, do

Miss Pinup Miami: 22:58

people assume you're lonely?

Vivian: 23:01

Because you're fat? Yeah. Well, I don't know if it's because I'm probably okay. Let me say, I don't know if it's because I'm fat. But it because I'm single. People assume that I'm lonely. And do I get lonely? Yes, of course. Yeah. I think everybody feels lonely at some point. But there's a lot of people that are married or in relationships or lonely, you know, that has not, you know, it's not the everything about it. So but people do assume that I'm lonely alone. That is true. Yeah, we have a loner. So maybe that's why

Miss Pinup Miami: 23:40

I've always been a loner, Tim is actually my second relationship. And I don't, I mean, I don't consider myself a loner, because I never feel alone. Even when I'm alone. If that makes sense. My brain is always going I'm either sewing or doing something or keeping myself preoccupied. And something I always tell people when they ask for, like any of my advices is, you know, you have to learn to love yourself before you can let somebody else love you. That's true. Because when I hear people say that, Oh, I can't find somebody, you know, I can't find the data or boyfriend or whatever. You know, you have to think like maybe it's your negative energy. You need to get

Vivian: 24:27

data for I have told you that before.

Miss Pinup Miami: 24:32

I mean, I didn't mean to use those words.

Vivian: 24:38

I say that all the time.

Miss Pinup Miami: 24:43

But like, for example, when I'm having a bad day, I mean, I have bad days, but I have to remind myself, you know that you know, we only live this one life. You got to make sure we take advantage. And so all we have are ourselves at the end of the day. If you're a last fan, did you ever See last? No, I, I love the phrase, they used to use coffee that was live together die alone, because it was always about working together and being able to survive on this island. But at the end of the day, you're gonna die alone. So it was like this, it was a great quote, because it's also true in life. You know, while we're here, let's work together. Because when you're dead, you're gonna be alone, if you remember, or whatever happens.

Unknown: 25:29

Now.

Miss Pinup Miami: 25:35

Next question, do people think you hate your body? I don't like it.

Vivian: 25:44

I hate my body. But I think people are surprised when you say that you love your body. Or that you're happy with how you look? Or that you feel secure in your own skin. You know, I think that surprises people. Um,

Miss Pinup Miami: 25:59

you think it surprises men, when you go on a date with them, and they're, and you tell them that you're

Vivian: 26:04

nobody surprises them, but I know that they find it sexy. When you feel comfortable in your own skin. Because it shows it's it's something different specially, you know, in the sexy time. When you feel confident in your own skin and you feel comfortable in your own skin, it definitely shows that it plays out a little differently. You know, again, the older I get the more comfortable in my skin I get

Miss Pinup Miami: 26:35

with age.

Vivian: 26:40

So, you know, that whole topic was different in my 20s. And it was different in my 30s. And in my 40s is different. So when it gets better when the

Miss Pinup Miami: 26:53

next question is, how do you hold on? Have you ever been told that you're catfishing?

Vivian: 27:04

No,

Miss Pinup Miami: 27:05

I guess that you're the campus. But

Vivian: 27:07

I am one of those people that I overthink everything. And I think about things way too much. And I just ponder and I'm a Libra. So to make a decision, it takes me a little while. So whenever I set up a new dating profile, I'm I choose my photos so carefully, because that's one of the things that I've always been worried about, is meeting somebody in person and then being like, wait a minute, I didn't realize you were so even though I have a big face. So even if it's like a selfie or closer photo, they can tell them bigger. But um, so I I've always been very honest with my profiles, I'm honest about my age, they can see my photos, I always have like a, you know, full body photo, the pictures are recent. Because that's one thing that I've always been, like worried about is that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to be like, wait a minute, you know, this isn't what I thought you were so thankful. catfishing

Miss Pinup Miami: 28:04

you're in a large photo of yourself. But I'm sure it won't. I've come across on these like dating sites, people that lie. Yes, I was catfished lots

Vivian: 28:19

of people on dating sites. Like we could do a whole other episode on that.

Miss Pinup Miami: 28:24

They live from their age, because it's all target what they're looking for. Or they lie about their load. So I had this one guy, and you can never trust pictures with fish on it. I always thought that that was a joke that people say but that's the truth. If there's a man holding a fish just swipe

Vivian: 28:44

left. I thought that was like a Florida thing.

Miss Pinup Miami: 28:46

No, that's an everyday thing. Like they think that they're like masculinity is holding a fish. I don't know. I thought it was just a meme and a joke but never went on a date once with this man. It looked nothing like his photos. Like I don't even think that guy fish ever. He was like, he wasn't tan. It was nothing about his size. It was about like it wasn't him it wasn't and the problem is I don't think we care if if the person look different, you know, I think people should be true to themselves because what are they expect? I literally what do they expect when they need somebody? Like they're just gonna be like, Oh, you weren't the same person but who cares? Like you

Vivian: 29:24

look a little different in person like now that not everybody's photogenic you might you know, look a little different but something completely different person 100 pounds heavier or lighter than Yes, that's not okay.

Miss Pinup Miami: 29:38

I used to love the TV show catfish.

Vivian: 29:41

Yes.

Miss Pinup Miami: 29:43

I used to love it because but then you also come to think like, I never I never understood how people could talk to somebody I guess. Again, this goes with the loneliness and like not you know and being comfortable just meeting somebody neutrally and talking to them for like three years without Like a video chat or voice chat or falling in love with them through texts and never meeting them. I found that amazing. I'm like, no, no. You gotta

Vivian: 30:10

watch 90 day films.

Unknown: 30:12

I have

Vivian: 30:12

lots of those cases on there too.

Miss Pinup Miami: 30:16

Now, the next question being plus size and you and when you go on a date, do you feel uncomfortable ordering food? Yes. I was gonna say the same thing.

Vivian: 30:29

Yeah, yeah. But I think not only dating just like what anytime you meet someone new, even if it's like, a business lunch or something like that, you know, I am a little bit self conscious.

Miss Pinup Miami: 30:42

No, you say business? Yes. And Chris, like the Christmas party, at least at my job, they go go to one restaurant. It used to be like a prefix menu, and everybody got the same thing. But then one year, we got to choose and I'm like, I mean,

Vivian: 30:56

I'm not. I mean,

Miss Pinup Miami: 30:58

I don't think I just want to stake now. But do you like what if people are gonna judge me? Just because I'm big. They think I'm gonna eat the whole table. You know,

Vivian: 31:10

for example, like I live my life on a diet. I'm always on a different diet. And usually, you know, at the office, if there's like a birthday or something, and there's a cake. I usually never eat cake, or whatever the you know, is there for the birthday celebration. Like 98% of the time, I don't need it. Really? Hey, we had a birthday in our office. And I wanted a piece of cake. So my coworker who knows I never AK was, you know, handing out the cake. She asked me politely. She's like, would you like some cake? Which I guess she expected me to say no, because I normally say no. And today, I was like, Yes, I would like a piece of cake. And she wasn't so surprised that it made me feel a little bit self conscious. And I'm like, I would like a piece of cake. And I sat there and I ate the cake. But but so you know, things like that as much as dating, I think and just in general.

Miss Pinup Miami: 32:03

People get shocked when I tell them that I don't like chocolate like I like like maybe a little bit of chocolate. But people get shocked when they when I tell them. Check out my ad jobs when they have cakes for birthdays. Thank you the example you gave and it's a chocolate cake. I always say no thank you not in a mean way. I just say I don't want any one year for my birthday. They got me a chocolate cake. Thank you, but I didn't need it. But like, it's Yeah, but then they assume like Why? You know and then they look at you funny and I'm feeling like are they looking at me funny because I'm fat I they automatically are assuming I'm gonna love chocolate. I don't

Vivian: 32:40

I think you know, there's a big girl that's always gonna kind of be like in the back of your mind in any situation is that because it's I think it's always that's like the little worm inside you know that you're wherever whatever it's always gonna be in the back of your mind is is this situation affected? Because I'm bigger you know or

Unknown: 33:04

you're right.

Miss Pinup Miami: 33:06

Again is that mentality is that state of mind? I feel like we've been catered into like see, I love how now they're showing for example on social media like on tik tok on even like on these like e news stuff, showing how the 2000s they idolize like the skinny body. You know, like Paris Hilton, you know I'm talking about those like thin skinny bodies and now like it's normalizing like the Ashley Graham and you know, the more curvaceous look and but in our heads, at least for me, because I was a bad choice. Like, growing up seeing those skinny ladies like, I am self conscious because you know, I can't lie and say i'm not i'm just slowly like you getting over it and just not caring because y'all know. But we do have that engraved in our heads even as being Hispanic. You have your our leader telling you, Hey, you know, you look so skinny You have to eat and then when you're eating there, they wrote your

Unknown: 34:09

Yeah.

Miss Pinup Miami: 34:11

So it's like, it's always a struggle, and it's a really hard but yeah, you read you say what you said you just have to find your headspace of just like your comfort zone and just know like, you know, this is me, skinny or not, and, you know, you have to work on your personality because that doesn't change the diet.

Vivian: 34:32

Of course, you know, I grew up hearing from different people in the family, like, you know, you have to because I've always been overweight. So, as a kid I would hear sometimes, like you have to be careful, you you you know, you can't keep gaining weight because nobody no man is gonna love you. If you're if you're fat, you know, um, I heard that in Spanish a lot. So that was something that I had to work through like I'm single Yes, still. The, you know, I am the single girl, the perpetual single girl my family. Um, but it has nothing to do with my weight. I don't think it does. I mean, maybe I'm delusional, but I don't think it does. I think it just hasn't happened for whatever reason. And because I don't want to settle. But I'm glad we did grow up hearing that, you know, and it's a shame. You don't have to do that to a child.

Miss Pinup Miami: 35:30

That's actually the next question you just hit on. That just being plus size mean that you'll settle for just anyone?

Vivian: 35:40

I do not want to settle. No, no, no,

Miss Pinup Miami: 35:42

no, nobody should settle. I'm telling you, like I said earlier yet, we only got this one life, you're looking at me saying y'all. We only have this one life. So you might as well enjoy it. Like one thing I told my boyfriend you know, once we started getting serious, I told him straight up. Like, if you don't feel that you're in love with me or enjoying your time, or that I'm not enjoying our time, let's help each other because we only have a short time in this world. You know, let's break it off. Because that means I mean, one of us will get hurt, but at least we're doing you're not going on a charade. And we're not just pretending. Absolutely.

Vivian: 36:19

And I feel that I have a lot to offer. Like I may be plus size. But again, like I've said many times, that's just one part of me. That's not my everything, you know, and I have another reason i i've been single a long time, which has taught me that I don't need a man to live. I'm financially stable, I take care of you know, have my shit together. I i would love someone to share my life with Absolutely. Um, but it's got to be someone that's worth, you know what I have to offer so and I hope that doesn't come off as being kind of conceited or stuck up I came up in a wish more men my age knew what they wanted. Because sadly they don't want it I don't want to settle. So that's funny.

Miss Pinup Miami: 37:13

So even men your age don't even know what they want. Oh god, no, I

Vivian: 37:17

feel that men my age are worse than younger guys. Oh, I really do. I don't know if it's like a midlife crisis kind of thing. Or if they're getting to that point where they feel like, you know, I don't know, I don't know what it is. Really. It's a conundrum. I don't know if it's a South Florida thing. I don't know if it's a general mental process, Lena states thing. But it's pretty bad.

Miss Pinup Miami: 37:45

So overall, do you think it is harder to date? Because you're plus size? I would say? I would say no. I would say no. Because I think skinny people everything we just said no skinny and average. And all these I think all women go through the same issues we just talked about. I would say yes. Oh, explain.

Vivian: 38:11

I would say yes. Because there's still such, um, so much pressure in society to be perfect. And to look perfect. And for men to have a trophy wife, and to have you know, the younger, hotter, you know, tighter BOD whatever. woman next to them, that it does make it more difficult. Because I do think it takes a stronger man to say this is what I like, and this is what I'm attracted to. And I don't care if it's it's not what you think is beautiful. I think it's beautiful. So that in that case, I do think it's more difficult.

Miss Pinup Miami: 38:49

Now I have personal questions to ask. It's about sexuality. Like, do you think that a fat woman cannot be as sexual as a skinny woman? Absolutely heard this, I heard this somewhere else. And I was like, No, I think like, if you're plus size, it doesn't take away from you like either a exploring your sexuality, enjoying sex or, you know, everything else that comes with it.

Vivian: 39:23

Absolutely, um, that has nothing to do with your size. It has nothing to do with your appearance. It has nothing to do with your hair color. I'm a middle aged big woman with gray hair. And I feel sexy and I'm a very sexual person. And that's just part of me. You know, that's sexual. It has nothing to do with your size, how you look. If you're pretty, you're ugly or society thinks you're prettier, you're ugly. That comes with the person you know, there might be like Victoria's Secret models who don't feel sexy. who aren't very sexual, or you know, want to express themselves? sexually? So absolutely not. But I do think that it takes some confidence and self love to be able to kind of bring that out, you know, it doesn't just happen overnight. You have to feel good about yourself and feel good in your own skin to be able to bring out that, you know, that sexy part of you or your, you know, be able to explore your sexuality.

Miss Pinup Miami: 40:30

How would you, if there's somebody listening on here, and they're saying to themselves, man, they keep saying to like, love yourself, like, what do I need to do? What What advice would you give?

Vivian: 40:46

Listen, like you said, we die alone, right? You come into this world? Yeah, then you come into this world on your own, except you were a twin, or most of us, this world alone, and we go alone. Um, you're the person that you are in a relationship with the longest because you're not you're in a relationship with yourself for your entire life. It does take time. I think it's really important to forgive yourself. I've made bad decisions in the past that have made me kind of like, look at myself and be like, Vivian, what the heck were you thinking? You know, and I, I've been very hard on myself. But it takes a long time and kind of working at it. I personally do a lot of self help. I listened to a lot of different life coaches and things like that. And that's helped me kind of move past that. Are there days where I still look at myself, I still think like, what the hell were you thinking? Yes, it happens all the time. But you know, you do have to love yourself and accept yourself for you know, who you are all your flaws. And once you accept yourself, other people do too, you know, absolutely.

Miss Pinup Miami: 41:58

Yeah. For me, it was just learning to live with myself. And this happened right after I graduated from us. You know, from college, you know, in college, I felt like it was the first time I've always lived at home. I always was like, the good child at home. You know, I mean, I was always made fun of my my weight in my own home. So when I went to college, I still had those same things, but I was alone. And that's when I really got to get to know myself because I was literally alone. So they're, like you I made mistakes. And yes, I was like, sheesh, what did I do? You know, but you just learn from it. And as long as you learn from your mistakes, and don't like repeat them over and over, like a broken record, then you know, that means that you are getting better. And that's something that you should be proud of. It might not be perfect, but you're getting better. And I think people are a little too hard on themselves. Just like this could be a whole nother subject, but the hustle culture like I find it crazy people that are always idolizing hustling, you know, and like, oh, hustle every day. 9094 724 seven a day. 2424 seven. You know, you gotta hustle, hustle, hustle, like, yes, hustle. But I mean, analyzing, not realizing, you know, like, like, what's the word I'm looking for. But making it seem like that's the way to live life will literally drain you. And you'll be so hard on yourself that you'll just like, let things go through the crack. And then you'll feel even worse, and then it just get you down. So I always believe in work life balance, and number and taking care of number one, there's a perfect book, if you guys are into self help books called taking care of number one, which is basically you know, you have to help yourself first before you can help others because it's like Vivian needed something. Well, I'll give you a perfect example, when you're on a plane. And like they teach you about the oxygen falling. What do they tell you, the first thing they tell you is Help yourself. Because if you don't put that oxygen mask on yourself, you won't be able to put the oxygen mask on the person next to you. So just like remember to take care of yourself first, because then you'll be able to really help the next person that

Vivian: 44:11

sometimes, especially since our world is so fast paced, there's so much going on. And like you said, the hustle culture, like sometimes it's really important to just stop and kind of like reconnect with yourself. self care has become kind of like a trending thing lately, but I think it's a really good trend. You know, it's important to take that time to take care of yourself and do things that you need and kind of check in with yourself because maybe what you needed last week isn't what you need today. You know, so that's, that is very important.

Miss Pinup Miami: 44:41

True, true. Vivian you have

Vivian: 44:44

and you touched on something actually, really quick. Where you said when you the first time that you were alone, is when you kind of started accepting yourself and learning about yourself. I think that's so important. I'm a little bit of a loner like I need my space. I can't be with someone 24 seven. Um, and I think that's so important to take that time with yourself, like a lot of people I feel are in relationships where they cling on to them because they're afraid to be out there alone. And being single is tough, especially when you've been single a long time. Like, it can be very difficult sometimes. But um, clinging on to the wrong person, just to not be alone isn't the right thing that I think like drains you it wears on your heart and wears on your self esteem. And it's just not healthy. So sometimes it's it's important to be on on your own to be able to learn what you really need, what you really want.

Miss Pinup Miami: 45:40

And so true. That's so true. Because with my ex, he cheated on me. And I found out quick story like in five seconds, I was scrolling through his tablet looking for like Pinterest stuff and saving it onto his camera rolls, I could send it to myself. And then I found pictures of another woman that wasn't me. And I confronted him about it. Because it wasn't just like these, like, such sexy images. It was literally like videos and somebody saying his name. And he had the weirdest name on this planet. That like, when I confronted him about it, I was single my whole life up until that point that he was my first boyfriend. Um, but I knew everything I would hear all the other girls complain about when men cheat on them, and they go back and then it was like a vicious cycle. And I'd always say like, are these girls dumb going back to this man that hurt him and cheated on him because I learned really quick that these men are not getting better. So when this man lied to my face telling me that like that girl, he didn't know the next day I called out of work, and I changed all my locks and kick them out. But that's just because I had the moment to learn about myself because I respected you know, like, he's lying to me, why am I gonna keep him around just because I love them, just because he's my first like no, on to the next

Vivian: 46:59

was also part of setting a standard for yourself. You don't want to accept someone that treats you that way, and treats you poorly. And that has nothing to do with size that any woman at any point in her life can go through something like that. And you know, that's a standard that you have to set for yourself, whether you know, every situation is different. Obviously, you have to look at what's going on and you make your own decision. But you know that that is part of setting a standard and what you will or will not accept.

Miss Pinup Miami: 47:27

Vivian, do you have anything else you would like to add to this episode? Or ask me a question about plus size dating?

Vivian: 47:34

Um, well, you know, everybody's experiences are different. I'm like you, you have completely different experiences than I have had. So everybody has a different point of view. But doesn't you know, I just feel like just being plus size, maybe make things a little more complicated or make things a little more difficult. Yes, there's still a lot of fatphobia. And there's still a lot of pressure in society to be thin and perfect and beautiful. But I think we're making a lot of strides and moving in the right direction, I see a lot of things online about you know, body positivity and being loving yourself at any size. So that gives me a lot of hope for you know, the young girls growing up now. Because they have more positive role models and more positive messages to grow up with and what we had

Unknown: 48:25

any disabilities?

Vivian: 48:27

Yes, absolutely any size, any any issue. You know, people with disabilities also can be very sexy, very sexual, you know, and explore dating and different things just like anybody. Um, so I think we've come a long way. But I think we still have a lot of work to do in that area. So it's good that we're talking about it and bringing it to the forefront. arena where we can talk about it. And

Miss Pinup Miami: 48:54

I know I said a lot of personal things in this episode. But I want to say thank you, Vivian, it's so it's always an honor to have you on here and I know my listeners love having you. Next week. It's going to be a totally different subject. But we have Mimi from meetup, Meadow sweet money, and she like, knows everything about finances and savings, and her motto is saving up for your joy. So very excited about some budget saving tips next week. That extra saving an extra dollar so when we go vintage shopping, we can be like, well, she'll probably say not to buy it but let's wait till next week. I'm

Unknown: 49:42

gonna ask her.

Miss Pinup Miami: 49:44

If it's a fine that you can't find, like, come on, I got it. I gotta justify by buying it. You know, I've gone visit shopping with Vivian.

Vivian: 49:54

We can do some damage very

Miss Pinup Miami: 49:56

quickly. Real quick, especially when we look at each other and we're like Is this cute? I can't find it anywhere else. Alright guys, I want to say thank you again for listening truly means the world to me. Thank you. Thank you so much and I will see you all next week.